The Struggle to Understand Loss & Finding Peace in What I Choose to Believe

    How fragile we are...such fragile beings of blood and bone, skin and sinew, muscle and memories, wrapped in our earthly forms, mottled with emotions and the yearning to understand the great mystery of Life.

 All the days of our lives here on Earth we are working, struggling to live and make a living. We wrestle with the great mystery of why we are here, and where we go when we die.
 
 Some subscribe to various religious beliefs which give definition and answers, comfort in words written long ago. I do not subscribe to those beliefs, but I am glad it gives comfort to those who do.
 
 I contemplate, as we are all want to do, over the answer of the great mystery of what lies beyond this mortal life. We can never truly know or understand the answer, not for sure, until we pass from these fragile forms we are to become beings of Light and Spirit. 


 It seems to me that lately, my family and I have been confronted with this question far too often.

Daddy, Micah & Jack during the fire of 2007

  Losing four family members and one very dear friend to death in just a little over two years has left me feeling quite vulnerable and raw, the wound of grief never quite healing before another loss comes. 

 My heart feels weary and scabbed with the losses. My body feels tired- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I fluctuate between tears and anger, between denial and acceptance, and all the while questioning the meaning of it all.

My birthday celebration planned by Micah in '99. MaMa, Micah & Daddy with noisemakers

 It’s led me to ponder deeper about what lies beyond this mortal world. The mystery of the unknown seems to mock me and has been ever constant source of frustration and inquiry for these past two years.

Daddy and MaMa at Christmas, early 1990s

  I am not asking for answers from anyone with this writing. I suppose I am "talking" to myself through my writing, as writers often do. I suppose this piece is more a confirmation to myself of what I have come to believe. 

 I think, for my own well being, I will not worry so much about heaven or hell, but perhaps more about the thin veil that separates us from our loved ones who have passed. 

MaMa & Micah after one of his birthday parties at Fargo

 I am searching for peace and finding great comfort in believing they are capable of being near us when we need them most. 


 I also believe they can choose where they want to be, and that they look upon us with love, gently lifting us up when we are in sorrow and the tears will not seem to stop. I know they've come to me in my dreams, and I've even felt their presence sometimes when awake.

Daddy and Micah fishing at the Suwannee River

  So this is what I choose to believe for it gives my heart some solace when there seems to be none. It helps soothe the crushing heartache that seems to come upon me without warning, at any time day or night. 

MaMa in 2008, we had ridden to the pond at Baptist Village to see the geese.

Daddy & Micah the day of MaMa's funeral in Nov 2009

I believe that my loved ones who have passed are as near as the very thin veil that separates our two worlds and it gives me comfort. To imagine them there close to me, looking on with love, is what I have chosen. 

The struggle to understand and the peace in what I choose to believe are, for me, for now, more than enough. 

Rose Steedley Williams

Southernstoryteller©~2/5/2012